I have been lacking inspiration for writing lately. Don’t get me wrong, I still write – almost daily as a matter of fact – but the stuff that has been coming out has been either really negative or decidedly bad. I miss writing my little topical stuff for notes on Facebook, but I have drained that well for the time being and have to find another outlet. And then, lo and behold, here comes something new I can write about with no problem. Besides, turning 40 in 51 short days (and counting), I have discovered a new life change is on the horizon. So, I figured I might be able to pull off something close to entertaining about this.
Turning 40 with an extra 20 pounds on my belly and bum was killing me. I was struggling with this on a fairly severe level internally. My personality can be alternately way too open and forthcoming about some things and strangely private about others. The things I choose to keep to myself may seem odd to some, especially considering that I have no problem sharing or discussing things about myself and my past that most people would die before revealing. What can I say? I have a warped sense of privacy.
I was horribly preoccupied with this 40, 20 lb thing. This was quietly tearing me apart and I was tearing up almost daily in anger, frustration and downright shame. I had constant negative shit going through my head all day. It does not help that I am a procrastinator with a pronounced lazy streak, making change even more difficult than it has to be. But I had started taking steps. I began a yoga class (don’t laugh. While yoga is not zumba by any means, you do work. Hard.), and that was helping. I figured since consistency is one of my main problems, I would see if I could stick with the yoga for a month and then I would look into adding something like aerobics to really get the weight loss going. I even began to sneak off to one of the other floors at work to do some walking for 10-15 minutes a couple of times a day (hating every second of it, but focusing on watching my ass bounce in the reflection of the storefronts as incentive). This is one of the perks of working on a campus with 3 buildings in which I can literally walk miles. I wasn’t happy about it, but I was doing it.
I started cutting my food intake. No more Ray’s in the City soups 4 times a week. I bought a crap load of Lean Cuisines (without meat – I just cannot manage to choke down whatever they use to pose as chicken in those things) and I was doing well. And at between 280 and 350 calories apiece, how could I not? I had a decent dinner that I really enjoyed at home. Since I like to cook and I am already pretty good when it comes to cutting fat and calories in what I cook at home, I did not feel too deprived. I also started tracking calories, both in and out, on a website and seemed to be doing pretty well there, too. I kept my calorie intake well under the 1500 level (sometimes not topping 1100)… except on wine nights.
At 120 calories in a 5 oz. glass of cab, well, you can see how it might get a bit out of hand. Get Jay and I talking politics or religion and those glasses of wine can add up fast. Really fast. Those nights would put me over the 2000 calorie mark in a heartbeat. But I was not giving up my wine. A girl has to have her standards and limits, right? And, while I was not winning any medals for the calories expended, I was counting them.