I don’t like change. I really don’t. Even when it is a good change and has positive reasons, I don’t like it. I am one of those people who gets comfortable and stays where she is. I have to be drug kicking and screaming into the future. Right now things are pretty challenging. I am going through some major changes and trying to keep a grip on myself. I suffer from anxiety, actually, I suppose we all do to, but I get anxiety attacks. I have had a few major ones in recent years. The last one landed me in the ER telling them I felt like I was having a heart attack but I knew it was a panic attack and asking if they’d please give me something to slow my heart rate back to normal. That’s why I have Ativan and Xanax, although I rarely take them. I almost took a couple yesterday, but I do not have refills, so I try very hard not to use them unless I really have a meltdown. If I make it through the next few weeks with the same number of pills that I have right now, it will only be because of divine intervention. I wring my hands, pace, fidgit, pull my hair, have trouble eating, get tension headaches and just generally fall apart. Before things happen. Once I am in the middle of whatever event that is causing the stress, I can become eerily calm. It is odd, the anticipation sends me into a meltdown, but the actual living through it bucks me up and I deal with it. Which, I suppose, means that I can handle what is being thrown at me, not matter how much I do not want to. It is the decision making process that does me in. Once the decision has been made, the work just has to be done.
My pride doesn’t go down very well, either. Swallowing it is akin to swallowing a bitter charcoal briquette – whole and without anything with which to wash it down. I choke on it. And it hate every minute of it. I hate being in a situation where I have to back down and do things differently than the way I wanted to do it. If it is a situation of my own creation, it is especially hard. Right now I cannot decide how much blame I own for the current situation. I certainly could have done things differently, but the circumstances under which certain decisions were made were outside of my ability to control. I try very hard to be objective and when I am guilty of something recognize it and own it and do what I can to correct it. Making excuses does not serve you. If you are trying to make yourself feel better, you are not being better. You are not growing or learning; you are becoming less instead of more.
So now it is crunch time. Time to buck up, take the medicine and deal with the situation. I suppose there is nothing to do but swallow my pride and follow though with my decision. Quite frankly, my complaining is making this whole thing sound worse than it is. I am unhappy with the circumstances, not the end result. And I do not like not having options. Other than that, while there are some concerns, nothing really rises to the level of bitching I am doing.
Let’s turn this baby around. There are certainly some positives here and I need to keep that in perspective. One, I get what I want every night. Two, all this stress and the upcoming physical activity will drop those 7 pounds that have been bugging me. Three, I will save money. Four, my commute will be easier. Five, I am surrounded by great people who are not only willing to encourage me but are coming through with everything I need. And I think more than anything, that is what I need to keep in mind. I do not know how to say thank you to everyone going above and beyond for me. I guess the best way is just to say it, mean it and follow through with the commitments I have made to them. And just maybe I need to be happy about all there is to be happy about and stop bitching about how stressful it is for me. Because in the end, what you are judged on is not how you got yourself into a mess, but how quickly and graciously you got yourself out of it.
So I will eat my briquette of pride with a side of appreciation and a bit of humble pie for dessert and wash it all down with a nice big glass of friendship. Wow. Turns out I have found a way to make this thing go down a lot easier. Who knew?
Thanks to you all. I cannot tell you how much.
Originally written Thursday May 6, 2010