I am Blind

Anyone who knows me knows that I am blind as a bat. Actually, a bat has echolocation and decent vision, so I am pretty sure that the average bat can see quite well compared to me. I wear contact lenses so they are a constant challenge. If anything, no matter how small gets on them, it effects my vision. A speck of dust is never so big as when it is on your eyeball. Oh, and let something get between my eye and the lens – the pain is intense and exquisite. I always thought of that as being a weird way to describe pain. Exquisite carries with it a feeling of beauty and enchantment. Pain is neither of those things, but it is sharp and to the point. And if you have ever had something stuck in your eye, you know there is nothing sharper and more focusing than that.

I think my vision is contributing to the out of body/mind experience I have been having since last week. I feel shifted. I cannot explain how. Maybe it is the Mucinex and Dextromethorphan and all the other meds I have been on over the last week that are making me off balance. But it is there. A feeling like I am operating just a little behind the rest of the world. Maybe only a split second, but just enough that I can notice and observe it. It is disquieting. I am double checking things that should not need to be double checked. Not necessarily for a mistake as much as something sloppy or that I just don’t care about. Like jsut. We all know I just typed just. We all know I know how to spell it. In fact, if I had not pointed out that it was misspelled, some of our minds would have just glazed over it and made the correction, never even noticing that here was a misspelling. So why should I care to run spell check and correct jsut when we are all in agreement that this is what that is? But if I do not correct it, then I look like an idiot who can’t spell just, even though we both know that, while I may on some days be an idiot, I can spell just. When I want to.

Today I do not care. Maybe it is that everything is fuzzy around me and I still feel like I am hearing through cotton stuffed in my ears. Maybe it is just that details seem pointless and taxing little things that just aren’t important. Maybe it is that I have been away from computers and desks and to do lists for so many days that they have begun to release their hold on my psyche. I have no desires. I have no wants. I have nothing important right now. I can just sit and be and let go. I will look at what is in front of me and I will accomplish that task and then I will move on to the next thing and the next and the next until the little numbers in the bottom of my monitor line up in just the right way and let me know I am free to get up from this place and go to the next place. I will go to that place and do the thing that needs to be done to get me on to the next thing. This is how I will parcel out my evening. Through the accomplishment of mundane tasks that will pass the time until I can close my eyes and sleep and get up and do it all over again.

It is really a very pleasant feeling, this apathy. It takes all the urgency out of everything and allows it to just be what it is. Maybe my cough will never go away. Maybe my chest will always feel tight and constricted. Maybe my vision will be blurrier than before and maybe I will hear through congested tympanic membranes forever. What if every move I ever make for the rest of my life feels like the slow motion scenes from the Matrix? Every step I take jostles the congested mucus in my cheeks and sinuses? And food never tastes right again? How would I even know? If my perceptions shift to this as being normal, then how could I separate it and look at it as different than before? Before what? Before I was sick? Before the weather dulled all my senses and left me with hollow shadows of the perceptions I had before? How…

But that is as far as I can get. My thoughts break down until I just have to look at the one task before me and see how best to accomplish it. I look around my little desk that I have tried to brighten from its pathetic cubicle drab into something that reflects who I am. But, no, not today. I am just a blob of carbon and water, held together with ingenious membranes and structures giving me form. Just taking up space in the time continuum as one of the faceless and nameless billions who have lived and died before me and will live and die after me. I feel no connection. I feel no pain, or sadness. I feel nothing. And I am ok with that.

Now I really wonder what a sensory depravation tank would be like… and how much would it freak me out?

Off kilter, out of step, sideways, bent, tasteless, bland, apathetic, pointless, nonchalant; wishy-washy; impassive, ho-hum, blah, careless, indifferent, listless, void, empty, hollow, wrung out…

Originally written February 22, 2010
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1 comment
  1. As you can see, this was written over a year ago, however, I have had a headache since about 4:30a yesterday and my whole face feels like it is melting off my head, so I figured it was appropriate. I really wish my eyes would just give in and finally spontaneously combust instead of just feeling like they are on the verge of it – constantly. Damn this weather and my sensitive sinuses! Why can’t I just get sick and get it over with? Why do I have to feel like shit but still be functional? WHYYYYYY? Whine, whine, whine…

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