10 Things About Women

1. If you think we are high maintenance, you really need to rethink what we put up with from you. Clothes beside the hamper.  That damn toilet seat.  And the ultimate example: ‘You men have no idea what we’re dealing with down there. Teeth placement and jaw stress and suction and gag reflex and all the while bobbing up and down, moaning and trying to breathe through our noses. Easy? Honey, they don’t call it a job for nothing!’ (Samantha, SATC)

2. We don’t need for you to take care of us. But once you get that and respect us, we like it when you do.

3. Possessiveness does not mean you care, it means you are an asshole.

4. Real girls do love football. And beer.  At least the Southern ones do.  But just in case you come across one who would rather not watch, you can tell her a moving story about a player on your favorite team and she will watch just to see him do well. However, if he gets traded from your favorite team, her loyalty will go with him.

5. We know we have hot friends or sisters or what have you. Trust me, we have checked them out more than you have and we have done more comparisons than you can imagine. Do not ever get caught checking out a hot relative or a friend, and never, ever admit the attraction. Not even if we ask… after feeding you tequila shots. You will never live it down and we will always wonder if you are thinking about her when you are in bed with us.

6. Do not tell us the whole truth about our family. Yes, we know our mother is neurotic and talks to much. It is not for you to point out the obvious, but to politely ignore that you noticed that fact. And, no matter what you think, always temper your remarks about our family with common sense….tell us only about half of what you really think.

7. We really do check out your hands, feet and dancing ability. If two out of the three are not up to par, you might as well take your pail and find another sandbox to play in. Every girl will tell you it is “not the size of the boat, it is the motion of the ocean.” This can be true, but it is rare. So, yes, it matters.

8. You do the dirty jobs. Kill bugs, take out trash, or anything else icky that does not come out of our children. As a thank you, we will deal with the gross stuff that comes out of the kids. Unless it is the middle of the night. Then one gets the kid covered in vomit and the other gets the vomit covered floor. Heads up, the kid will probably want his mom, so you need to know where the mop is.

9. We want you to have time to yourself. We want to have time to ourselves. But if we never get time to ourselves, what makes you think you should have it? An offer to keep the kids while we take a bubble bath or get a pedicure or massage has repercussions far beyond that one day. Let us do something like that once or twice a month and you can have Thursday poker games with the guys or what not. We don’t need girl time as often as you need guy time, but we do need it… and if you don’t give us girl time, we will bitch about guy time. Incessantly.

10. We love sex. We think about it. A lot. We do not want our marriages to be cold and sexless. We want passion. Being tired and having a headache are never good excuses for not having sex (an orgasm is a wonderful cure for a headache – but not a migraine.  Those you have to just wait out).  If we are trying to get out of sex, more than likely it is because we do not feel connected to you. Apparently, men need sex to connect and women need to connect to have sex. Cosmic joke, maybe. Unfair, certainly.  But true. So realize that you will not have great sex without a great connection and make sure you stay connected. If you loose that connection, bring us flowers on a Tuesday and take us to the restaurant where we had our first date, book a massage and then take us out for ice cream just to talk. You will get laid by the weekend. Probably sooner.

Originially written March 9, 2010
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7 comments
  1. Here-Here to No. 10. When WILL they understand…

    • I am doing my part to inform. I left out the other reason possibly being that it is because we may be self conscious about those extra pounds and not feel all sexy-hot, even though we desperately want to – and a man can go a long way in helping us with that. But I think that subject should have its own post.

  2. This is great. I loved it. You nailed every part. Thank you to the good start in the morning 🙂

  3. haha very very interesting! i just did a collaboration with a photo bloggerlast week, now i’m interested in doing a collaboration with you! would you be interested?

    • Of course! I will send you an email and we can work something out.

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