I Sneeze Therefore I Am… Miserable.

I sneeze therefore I am… miserable.

It will not stop.  I would love to have a dollar for every sneeze today.  I would have made far more cash than my paltry daily salary.  But it would not be worth the money.  Believe it or not, I would rather forego the sneeze money and just get the paltry salary. Yep. That bad.

It started out slowly.

A bit of a tingly twinge inside my nose.

Some extra sniffling.  Tissues required.

Warning bells.

Eyes begin to itch and dry out.

Bells turn to sirens.

I take Claritin daily.  Did I take it yesterday?  Shit.  I don’t remember. Medication on board NOW.  Too late, though, I fear.

First sneezes start.  Tiny ones easy stifled in the meeting so no one notices. At least I think so.

Tingly twinge turns to maddening itch deep inside nasal passages.  No relief possible. Extra sniffling progresses to actual runny nose.

Eyes swell and contact lenses stick to my corneas. Ironically, eyes begin to water as well.  For some reason this fails to lubricate and only intensifies the itch and discomfort.

Face begins to itch.  Sneezes intensify dramatically.

Benadryl, help me.

Throat begins to hurt from drainage and slight nausea sets in.

I am under siege.

Co-workers issue blessings.  God refrains.

A glance in the mirror shows an aged and sad version of self looking back with pity.  Circles under the swollen and reddened eyes with a nose to match.  Lips are dry.  Skin is pasty.  I did not look like this when I got here this morning.  Things have gone downhill fast.

Headache sets in.  Sinuses under the cheeks are swollen shut and pressure builds mercilessly.  Even upper molars seem to throb.  Ears ache.

Benadryl forsakes me.  Ironically, even though I now feel numb and pasty, I still itch.

Blessed Mother of God, make it stop.  Wait, I am not Catholic.  No matter.  If she is listening, I will take any help she will grant.

I eat and the act of chewing and swallowing provide some relief from the pressure.  Symptoms return full force immediately thereafter.  Dammit!

Best thing about violent repeated sneezes – they work my lats and scratch my throat, which otherwise itches from the constant drainage.

Something has exacerbated my already sensitive and overactive sinuses.

Something else about my own specific biological and genetic make up caused this insane, over the top histamine reaction turning my otherwise sunny disposition to irritation, pain and this frantic itching.

I do not care what it is, just please stop it.  Enough already.  I give.  I fold.  I throw in the towel.  You win.

Itching in nose worsens.  Maddening!  And has spread to face and eyes. 

Unbidden thoughts of how good it would feel to be that guy in Raiders of
the Lost Ark whose face melts – at least it would not ITCH anymore. AGH!

Sinuses cleverly nestled behind eyes, under cheeks and forehead fill and swell.  My head is one big, itching, throbbing, watery, dried out, aching mess.  No relief in sight.

Debate how much more medication I can take without 1) falling asleep at my desk, or 2) harming my unborn child. Already taken Claritin and Benadryl without either making a dent.  Tylenol.  It is my friend.  It will help my head ache at least…. An hour later and Tylenol has turned out to be a fair-weather bitch who is all talk and no action.

Check the time.  Almost 3:00.  Two more hours until I can get into a car and drive home.  I give a passing thought to the level of impairment I am currently suffering.  No, I should probably not be driving. But at this point I could not possibly give less of a fuck.  Any route, speed or set of circumstances that get me from this desk to my couch is acceptable.  The rest of you on the road be damned.  I will be on I-75N between downtown at Williams Street to the Windy Hill Exit starting at 5:00 sharp.  You have been warned.  Conscience clear. Now get the hell out of my way.  And, if you are some pretentious SOB in your Audi going 73 mph in the fast lane figuring that you have set the maximum speed anyone should be traveling on the interstate because you are some kind of traffic god whose example we all should follow, I will flip you off as I pass you in the HOV lane.

Don’t get between an allergy afflicted woman and her couch.


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