Restlessness and irritation.
It is like an itch that cannot be scratched.
There is no explanation and no stopping it.
Surroundings intrude on half formed thoughts, distracting me from the things I should be focused on. But what are the things I should be focused on? And, really, can you tell me – Why do they MATTER??
I don’t want to.
Tired, but not sleepy.
Hungry, but insatiable.
Angry without reason.
Sad without cause.
Anxious with no release.
Exhausted and drained.
I recognize her –
and I don’t like her. Not one damn bit.
She does this.
She messes and interferes
She does not allow peace.
She does not allow productivity.
She detests love and forgiveness.
She enjoys the irritation.
She thinks the only thing better than irritation is jealousy.
And the only thing better than jealousy is inadequacy.
And the only thing better than inadequacy is self-loathing.
And, oh, is that bitch good at sowing those seeds.
But her ass has been sent packing before.
It was a hard fought battle, but it was won.
These little skirmishes are nothing compared to that.
Put her back in her cage. Tied with a ball gag.
Sickeningly, she probably likes it that way.
Anger. Guilt. Blame.
So much of it to go around.
The worst thing is the impotence.
Not having an answer.
Unable to help.
Advice ignored. I am ignored.
And why do I want recognition for anything???
I don’t like to be recognized.
There is only judgment, anyway.
Pent up aggravation let out with angry gestures.
Ones I am not allowed to use.
I am a grown up and those are off limits to me now.
And they have no idea.
Their cluelessness is only topped by their arrogance.
As, I suspect, is mine.
There is freedom in being little and being told what to do. There is freedom in being young and having life laid out before you like a blank canvas. Your refusal to even pick up a brush and start with even one stroke on that canvas is infuriating. Mine is already drawn out. The days of being able to reinvent myself or do something totally new are gone. I cannot ever get that back – and I have to sit and watch as you take it for granted.
But then I did, too, now didn’t I?
No, matter. Ignorance is no defense.
Do I have a purpose?
Do I matter?
Yes, of course I do. Right?
Please tell me what it is and why I do.
There is not a book I want to read,
a song I want to hear,
a hobby I want to work on.
Welcome to the Land of Apathy.
The Flip Side.
Oh, I have been here before.
I should know my way around here very well.
But, if so, why can’t I find the way out?
The urge to hibernate sets in.
I just want to get out of here and crawl into a cocoon and come out later – or never.
Why don’t I just leave?
Obviously, responsibility is not my strong point.
Why not just admit it?
Why not just wallow in it?
Because I have tried that before…and it is never as pleasant as it sounds.
Being a pig in slop is overrated.
Buck up. Get on with it. What you want to do is irrelevant. Only what you will do matters. And, with that, the wallowing is done. The pity party is over. The exhaustion is curbed.
The dictator of the mind bowls over the opposition.
Insurgent thoughts are captured and whipped into shape.
Coup d’etat unsuccessful.
But unfortunately, the coup de grace will have to come another day.