the Voices in My Head

I think I may have posted something that really sent me for a psychological loop.  I have been off in my head and not writing about the stuff whirling around up here.  I go through stages where I cannot stop writing and my fingers seem to fly across the keyboard…and others where I feel like a rusty well pump that hasn’t been primed in years. 

I suppose you can figure out which state I am currently in from my lack of posts.

After I wrote the post about 10 things I would not change about myself, I had to take a step back.  Somehow I had validated myself, which you would think would be a good thing.  At first it was.  I felt all good and confident.  But in providing myself with that validation, I inadvertently woke the Craken.  The maladjusted voices in my head keeping track of all the things I don’t like about myself went into overdrive.  It’s been a constant barrage.

“How dare I think positively about that?! That’s some political-class spinning, right there.  You should work for Congress.  HA hahaha.”

“Who do I think I am kidding?”          

“Yeah.  You are really put together, now aren’t you? Check out the crows feet.  Bitchin.” (this one as I look in the mirror and hear it in an especially nasty sarcastic tone)

“Look at this. Outfit? That is what you call it?  How about a bunch of semi-matched clothes that saw their best years a while back and you don’t have the money to replace them.  Why?  Because you are a LOSER.”

“Don’t worry, you can throw it out.  After all, you will never fit into it again.”

“You will never get it together, so stop acting like it is even a possibility.”

“Everyone sees through you.  You are the mess you’re expected to be.” 

“Yep.  You look 40. Over 40, actually. Too bad you don’t have any wisdom to show for the wrinkles.”

Maybe it is because I have been sick and taking Mucinex DM, and that stuff always makes me feel a bit off. But I think it is more than that.  I have been trying to get it to stop, but so far I have not been able to.  Lately I have been thinking I need to give them personalities. Kind of a twist on “If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em.” Of course, that may be how some people go insane, but then I don’t think I will be able to do a good enough job with it to actually lose reality.  Although, it would be kinda cool to be that creative.   

So I think I may do a little exercise naming the negative voices in my head and giving them personalities and back stories.  For some reason, I am pretty sure one of them will be named Emily.

  1. This is my first time here. I feel for you deeply in the depression and anxiety department, and hope you are getting the help you need, even though I know how hard it can be to reach out. I also just saw the photos of your little one from your last post. You have the most beautiful family! I just had to say that. Sawyer looks like a doll. I hope you are able to receive the joy that they bring you. I have a 1.5 year old and am working on that now, and attempting new treatment for her. Wishing you only the best. Will visit again.

    • Thank you so very much. I love my family dearly and am grateful for them every day. I get more joy from them than I can describe. I spent most of my 20s in therapy off and on and was self-medicating a good deal of the rest of the time. So I suppose I have to admit that I have learned a lot – about myself and the world. The challenge comes in applying that knowledge now. I think I do pretty well most days, even when I feel like I am just pretending to be a grown-up.

  2. If you keep making friends of those little voices in your head, you may be renaming your blog “Minding Sybil”!

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