I think I may have posted something that really sent me for a psychological loop. I have been off in my head and not writing about the stuff whirling around up here. I go through stages where I cannot stop writing and my fingers seem to fly across the keyboard…and others where I feel like a rusty well pump that hasn’t been primed in years.
I suppose you can figure out which state I am currently in from my lack of posts.
After I wrote the post about 10 things I would not change about myself, I had to take a step back. Somehow I had validated myself, which you would think would be a good thing. At first it was. I felt all good and confident. But in providing myself with that validation, I inadvertently woke the Craken. The maladjusted voices in my head keeping track of all the things I don’t like about myself went into overdrive. It’s been a constant barrage.
“How dare I think positively about that?! That’s some political-class spinning, right there. You should work for Congress. HA hahaha.”
“Who do I think I am kidding?”
“Yeah. You are really put together, now aren’t you? Check out the crows feet. Bitchin.” (this one as I look in the mirror and hear it in an especially nasty sarcastic tone)
“Look at this. Outfit? That is what you call it? How about a bunch of semi-matched clothes that saw their best years a while back and you don’t have the money to replace them. Why? Because you are a LOSER.”
“Don’t worry, you can throw it out. After all, you will never fit into it again.”
“You will never get it together, so stop acting like it is even a possibility.”
“Everyone sees through you. You are the mess you’re expected to be.”
“Yep. You look 40. Over 40, actually. Too bad you don’t have any wisdom to show for the wrinkles.”
Maybe it is because I have been sick and taking Mucinex DM, and that stuff always makes me feel a bit off. But I think it is more than that. I have been trying to get it to stop, but so far I have not been able to. Lately I have been thinking I need to give them personalities. Kind of a twist on “If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em.” Of course, that may be how some people go insane, but then I don’t think I will be able to do a good enough job with it to actually lose reality. Although, it would be kinda cool to be that creative.
So I think I may do a little exercise naming the negative voices in my head and giving them personalities and back stories. For some reason, I am pretty sure one of them will be named Emily.