I am really not sure what I want anyone to know about me. I guess the most important thing is that I am a contradiction in terms. I am shy, though most people would not think so to meet me. I am talkative, but rarely about anything substantive. I have an overwhelming need to write and put certain things out there, but am sure no one will be at all interested in any of it. I am opinionated, yet I rarely share those opinions with anyone. I am an adult, but I still feel like a child who is scared of pretty much everything and everyone. I desperately crave approval and attention, but will go out of my way to do things that invite scrutiny and criticism. I am deeply sure about the things that I am most unsure about. I love people but hate being around them. I am a good mother, but I am positive I am screwing up my kids. I am completely and madly in love.
I grew up in the South and love it here. I will never leave…unless you count the trips to Europe I am planning, without doing any planning at all (which, I suppose means I am
dreaming at this point). I am a product of the South will all the good and bad that entails, and I am proud of it. While I do not embody all the stereotypes “southern” brings to mind, you will not have to look far into my family tree to find them. And that is just fine by me.
I am the mother of an 19 year old daughter, a 4 year old son and a 2 month old son. They are my life and my Achilles heel. I both bask in and dread the responsibility they bring to my life…. And I have never loved like I love them. I am sure my daughter knows me best (maybe even more than my mother, which is saying something), although I am not sure I would want her to give a description of me because she has been privy to some of the most humiliating times in my life. Not the best way to raise a child, I know, but at 21 I was only a child when I had her. Mistakes were going to be made. At 37 I learned how to find the perfect man…give birth to him. And my life has not been the same since. I am learning more from him than he will ever learn from me. Just a couple of months ago I had my 3rd baby and, when he was a week old, it was confirmed that he has Downs Syndrome. While this throws a bit of a monkey wrench into the works, Sawyer could not be more precious and perfect. I am falling more in love with him every day.
I have been a single mother to my older two kids and have two ex-husbands to show for it. I also have singularly bad taste in men. Luckily for me, I broke that streak seven years ago when I met the man I wanted to be with forever. Unfortunately, he did not see it that way and we parted never imagining we would see each other again. Fast forward 5 years (and a marriage, baby and another divorce for me) later and we are together again. He is different from any man I have ever known and that is the reason I know how this is going to go. For the first time, I am sure it will not crash and burn…and that is saying a lot. As a woman who has settled for less than she wanted, more times than she cares to count, it is easy to see when you have more than you dreamed you could have…and Jay is most certainly that.
I don’t know where this blog will go or what you will find here, but you are welcome to follow along and find out. I would enjoy the company. If you want the low-down on me, you can read my top 10 my favorite posts here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here and here.